rock bottom

i've hit it.

let down/made up

Next couple of weeks are going to be so hectic.

I was let down this weekend, but its all right because its being made up. I'm going to Alton Towers this weekend, I am going to face my fears and I am going to be strong. I need to do this for myself, to show myself I can do anything if I let go of my inhibitions I will show I am able to be carefree and maybe it will change my life for the better, what a way to blow away the cobwebs :).

Then to run away to a different country, what I have been praying to be able to do for a few years now, I am finally having my chance to be away from here, from everything. These next few weeks are going to make me who I want to be. I can't wait to meet myself on the way.

Tire tracks are about to be made, and i cannot wait if i'm being honest.

The sun better be out tomorrow to shine on me and make me smile in a way i haven't for about 6 months. I hope i can find you, and i can spend all day with the sand in my toes and the lake water tickling my toes as i dip them into it. I am praying for a good day tomorrow, please don't let me down.

Back to myself.

Just when I thought there was no going back, or turning back to myself, it happens - I suppose its true when people say that if you stop searching for something, or looking for someone, it or they will find their way right into your lap.

I'm going to keep myself from being too optimistic but surely this weather and feeling good about myself isn't a crime? I still find myself thinking about R. But its in a different way, my heart doesn't sting whenever something reminds me of him, its more of a dull ache that I find myself getting irritably bored with and I'm just willing it away now.

I can feel my life falling back together, back to how it should be and finally I am going to be out for myself, no one else. Until D makes his steps, or tire tracks into my world, at least.

Ibiza 2010 is going to be the best 10 days of my life, and I honestly can not hold on one day longer.

'I just haven't met you yet'.

I totally forget this was here, I forgot that I could even write like this, think this way and feel in such a way I did before.

To cut a long story short, I’m back to square one. Knowing I was going to walk down the aisle with someone I wasn’t totally in love with is a hard decision to make, but I made the right choice, and even though it doesn’t seem like I have right now, I know in the long run it will benefit me completely and I will learn to fall in love again, and I will be happy.

I got myself out of the rut I was in, but now it seems like I have come to not so much a crossroads, but a fork in the road. I can choose one of two paths. Right now the path to independence and freedom, and anonymity is the path that has me falling to temptation. I want something new, something real, somewhere no one knows my name, and I could have that, if I use the backbone I found in myself recently.

i was lost, but now i'm found.

Today i found all this, i feel this is the place to post it - and to continue it.

7-7-09.

I feel lost right now; with only a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Dave moves out of mums on the 23^rd – apparently. I want to be back there, back with my mum and I want Dallas to come with me. I know mum will come round eventually but it’s going to take time, I really want to get my head down and find some sort of work before I start college but at the moment that seems impossible.

My birthday is just going to be another day I feel; I don’t plan on doing anything/having any money to do anything for it. Everything seems too pointless at the minute; as of the first day of college though; it’s a new beginning. I’m going to change completely. I hope God can help me find the strength to not fall into the devils trap again.

10-7-09 – 00.03

‘Let them shout and scream into your face until the words are imprinted in your eyes; maybe then you’ll see they would drop everything to be by your side’

Sometimes the way I feel can be triggered by something as small as a prick from a needle. I guess it’s a lot of things building up – like the way a tattoo gun is a couple of little needles and it pierces your skin until finally you’re left with this amazing feeling or terrible ache in your body.

Right now; I’m anxious; I feel as though something could blow up in my face if I only so much as say the wrong word or take the wrong turning. I know I need to be careful and I am going to try my hardest to watch my step before I fall completely over the edge – I definitely believe the world is flat.

I also didn’t realise that there was someone, so educated to be able to speak the way you do. You make me feel like I can talk without having to lower my IQ.

Things are beginning to pick up; I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel that I seem to have been trapped under for the last couple of weeks, even if I feel more alone than I have in a while; I feel that the loneliness won’t be something to bother me for much longer.

I am adamant that if I die in a dream, I die in real life – not that dying scares me, what comes after does. I don’t for one second feel I have done enough to repent my sins, will you just throw me to the wolves like so many have before? Or will you take me and keep me safe in whatever afterlife there is. If you’re even real at all.

‘You’ve got two pairs of shoes, mine too – find your feet with.’ – After searching for what feels like an eternity, I’m learning to stand by myself again.

Footnote – you’re wonderful.

10-07-09 – 11.11

What a wonderful time, what a wonderful feeling. The only thing I can think to wish for is to be able to speak to you today, and if only for that one minute of the day do I feel like all my dreams can come true I guess that’s enough. One minute in one thousand four hundred and forty, that one minute I can confidently believe in something similar to magic.

I like when something can make your body tingle all over in such gratitude and appreciation. Something that can make you feel like the sun is shining even when you’re sat listening to a heavy downpour in the background.

I have come to the realisation that I would love to learn guitar, to be able to pick one up when I’m out with everyone and just start playing. Dallas; more than likely something I can sing along to. I have always admired people who can play guitar while singing too, it fascinates me.

Speaking of singing, I really need to sort my voice out. I used to be able to hit any note; my immune system lets me down in more ways than one. I can feel a sniffle coming on and I’m not happy, I really dislike being poorly.

18.56

Mixed signals with the texts this morning. I’m confused and I know I’m about to be let down so I don’t even know why I bother. Gav’s meant to be on his way up now, driving but he’s been such a letdown in the past that I don’t believe if it’s even going to happen, props to him if he does though.

I cleaned the house today; felt like Cinderella again. Like I need my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet, such in the way I’ve been sweeping the floor all day.

I hope my expectations aren’t too high.

20.39

From the looks of things my expectations were far too high. I need to stop believing that someone will prove me wrong and realise that the only person I can rely on is myself. ‘Over heated engine’ more like ‘I lied to you.’

12-7-09 10.28.

Oh how wonderful it is to be able to type without using a handheld device. To be on msn and facebook without having to wait 5 minutes before the next page loads.

My mind is blank.

13-7-09 12.03

I may have done something stupid, but it made the butterflies in my stomach stop flapping their wings before they all fell off.

I ache all over, and I hate myself for taking painkillers but I’m obviously not as strong as I once thought.

Last night was serene, looking over the lake and feeling calm, feeling safe. Something I haven’t felt in a while and I feel like it has all been blown up into my face. I don’t know what to feel anymore because it seems I always feel what I shouldn’t be.

Possibly staying at mums again tonight. I like being back here. Maybe that’s why I feel a little safe, this is secure, and I don’t have to worry about saying/doing the wrong thing so much.

The colours were drained, straight from the sky, and nothing living had survived. The mountains were merely removed from the earth, all silver and gold had lost all it’s worth, and everything I loved and feared had all at once disappeared.

14-7-09 03.30

After spending hours looking at you, I can’t help but remember why I fell in love with you in the first place. I hope this week goes to plan and I can fall asleep in your arms like I have made myself believe so many lonely nights previous to now. I hope your expectations haven’t changed of me and you feel the same. I don’t even care if we don’t even kiss, get that first kiss out of the way – it needs to be perfect, but then again if it’s you I’m positive it will be perfect. I just want to fall sleep in your arms, feel you close to me, and like you said, feel safe. You really are the one.

I’m not looking forward to turning 20. I want to hide away from the world and totally change. Go into my cocoon and come out the butterfly I have always longed to be. I just need a safe, sanctuary to make my cocoon.

20-7-09 11.44

Diagnosed with Swine flu and I’m positively terrified.

Things didn’t go such as to the plan I was hoping for with him but at least I know it’s out of the way now and I can move on from the feelings that were there and are bound to resurface whenever I speak to you again. I don’t want to let you mess me around anymore.

Teeto still loves me a little bit, and I hope to see him sometime in the near future, I think closure is best for that – another set of feelings I need to put out the flame on so I can move on and try and be happy with JTIC. J.

Not just any old friend stays up talking about going to Italy with you till 4 in the morning when they have work and a show the next day. He is pretty wonderful and I do like him – but wasn’t it Teeto who was going to propose to me in Italy. I don’t know. I know that if I go back to him I will just be greeted with the same problems as before. Could I handle that again – am I stronger now? I definitely know this illness is making me a hell of a lot weaker. Not only that but I feel trapped – more than in the sense that I cannot leave the house. I feel like I can’t speak or move without being judged here. I shouldn’t have to feel like that in the place I call home. I and my brother have formed a bond. I hope he’ll come through and help me out, I don’t think he has ever heard me so vulnerable before in his life – of which he remembers anyway.

I don’t know what to do really. I am at a crossroads and I guess I need to continue to look forward. I have a career choice, a goal and I just need to fight my way through these vines to get there, I’m sure some thorns will falter me along the way but I’ve come this far, I’d like to see someone try to stop me now. Determination is the key to success. Lord? Help me.